Panga+Changaa+Bhang=instant murderer

This morning as I was getting ready for rounds, I ran into one of my favorite clinical officers: Francis who was on duty last night. I asked him what came in overnight and he said, “It was a night of Panga attacks - 3 different people came in with Panga injuries”. Now when you think of Panga attacks, you are probably thinking “aren’t they adorable and just eat bamboo?” Turns out that Pangas aren’t cuddly oversized bears, it’s the Swahili word for “machete”.

You see, the Kenyans appreciate a well manicured lawn like we do in the US, but the terrain is far too rocky and unpredictable to use a lawn mower (not like anyone could afford it anyway). The solution? People use what’s called “slashers” which are these hockey stick like blades (I have a video I will upload when I come back) and use a sweeping U-shaped movement with their arms to cut the grass. A Panga is used for the more stubborn jobs and cutting your veggies, so Pangas are sold in most stores and a LOT of people carry them on the their person.

If Kenya had a national celebrity other than Obama, it would be Changaa. Changaa has achieved a counter-culture rock star status like Marijuana has back at home. Everyone knows about it, knows where to get it, and many drink it despite it being illegal. I wish there was a way I could accurately describe what is in Changaa, but the truth is it is brewed differently everywhere in Kenya. Changaa is Kenyan moonshine, and as potent as rocket fuel and much more hazardous to your health. The main ingredient is whatever is on hand than can be fermented - in this area millet is used in the brewing of Changaa. From there, the ingredients can vary but often include formaldehyde and methanol (which is why Changaa is notorious for killing entire rooms of people or rendering them blind).

If the stuff is so dangerous, you may wonder why people drink it. The average employed Kenyan makes about 80 shillings a day, with some making as little as 50 shillings. One bottle of Tusker beer costs 100 shillings and it might take a few days pay to get you wasted. Changaa is so potent that a minuscule 1 or 2 shots will have most Kenyans doing the Pink Elephant walk and several doses of Changaa can be bought for 20 shillings or less. I have often asked folks here “where can I get some Changaa?”, and despite knowing where I can get it, the hospital employees are reluctant to tell me because they think I will get a bad batch with extra formaldehyde and die. It took a lot of asking until I found someone who either detested me or was annoyed with me asking so much that she told me where to get it. With its illegal status, as you can imagine there is no Changaa store, and in my area it is sold in a stand in the woods where they are not easily found. It’s like the lemonade stand from hell, where for 20 shillings (about a quarter in US money) you can get absolutely messed up out of your mind. Yesterday as I was walking through town, I noticed Sean Paul music being blasted in a house and when I walked by and showed my approval, the group of guys invited me in for Changaa and probably a good raping - I politely declined.

In my last entry, I talked a little bit about the death customs here, and this entry incorporates another one that involves Pangas and Changaa. Apparently, the members of the Luhya tribe practice a burial custom where they bury the deceased at night. During this funeral, heavy amounts of Changaa are consumed and there is almost no artificial light in this country and moon and starlight are similarly non-existent here - it’s that pitch black. It’s not uncommon with the couple of folks I interviewed about this to get drunk and settle your differences with the other funeral guests with Pangas - hacking them into pieces in complete darkness where witnesses despite being right near you may not get a good look at what’s happening.

Francis relayed a story to me that a friend of his was walking along the dirt road that leads to the Maseno Hospital (the same road I took my awesome sunset shots with Helen and David in my birthday post) around dusk/darkness. He was carrying a drum of cooking oil on his head (it is true that many people carry heavy objects by balancing it on their head). It started to rain, so the man took his jacket and placed it over his head and the cooking oil and continued walking down the road. Out of nowhere, someone jumps out from behind him and swings his Panga down on his head-splitting the jacket and the drum of cooking oil and what he initially thought were his brains running out of his head was the cooking oil the Panga buried in the drum.

If Changaa and Pangas weren’t bad enough, there’s one more thing to add into the equation that is guaranteed to make you into a homicidal maniac-and that’s Bhang. Like Changaa, Bhang is illegal but everyone knows where it grows and where to get it. Bhang is cannabis sativa (also known as Mary Jane, wacky tobacci, the sticky, bud, weed or marijuana for you drug fiends out there) and many folks I talked to believed that alone they can have some substantial effects-but when mixed Bhang, Changaa and Pangas turn even the most well behaved Christian into a lunatic death machine. I think the local churches have been buying up all the old copies of Reefer Madness and showing them like a documentary here if this is what the natives believe.

I find myself paralleling much of what e see here into what I have experienced in Memphis since I have been there. Mixing moonshine and machetes may seem like a relatively bad idea, but in Memphis in the past year, it has been made legal to conceal carry firearms into bars! I’m not sure if it has passed yet, but there were resolutions also being made to make it legal to carry firearms into churches. Sure, when I am particularly moved by a service, I can sometimes feel the Holy Spirit loosening the holster and removing the safety so I can squeeze off a few rounds of praise over my head and right into the Lord’s face. In all seriousness though - recently a doctor was murdered at a church in the US because he performed abortions. Having weapons available where people are emotional or inebriated is a bad idea, whether it be at church, a bar, or at drunken funeral in the dark. Rather than going to extremes and outright banning these things, I think it should be mandated that everyone be required to carry a drum of cooking oil on their heads. After all, an ounce of prevention is worth... something (I can’t remember the rest of the saying-I got a Panga haircut today).

Hard lessons in Swahili-this is what happens when you mix Changaa and Pangas

Pua yake ilikatwa na wezi

His nose was cut by thugs.