Revisionist History-Little Orphan Annieshequa

Little Orphan Annieshequa was the most adored entry I have done so far. How can you resist those adorable orphans smiling, singing, and admiring the rims of the land rover? So much of the experience could not possibly be put in words, which is why you get another revisionist history.



I took so much video that my camera battery-which had a full charge-was dead by the time I left. Here I was expecting a dark, dank shack filled with orphans in potato sacks requesting more porridge (I may have been thinking of Oliver Twist or Employee appreciation day at the Nike Factory). Winding though those precarious narrow dirt roads on a bright sunny day- we reached the church to find 40 or so orphans circled around a shade tree singing in perfect 2 part harmonies. I quickly brought out my camera and filmed the traditional Africa Spiritual "Ride that choo-choo Pirate Jesus".



Two days ago I was talking with my colleague Carlos and Dr. Steinhauer-all of us having spent a month or more in Maseno about their inherent singing ability.

Dr. Steinhauer said

"In church, they would go into perfect 4 part harmonies without any instruction-it like they just knew".

The ability of the Africans far exceeded that of any Caucasian. I know this because I went to church on Moi day, which is a national holiday. All the Africans were absent, so it was just white people trying to sing. Worse still, there were percussion instruments (drums, tambourine, etc) that white people without rhythm should NOT USE! "He has made me glad" sounded as cheerful as a funeral, but you be the judge.



Compare this to our swahili service



When I went to go help out at the Orphan program with David-we saw that Kindergarten through second grade kids were being taught basic math skills on chalkboards outside. David and I could do basic math with the help of our cell phones, so we volunteered our skills to teach these kids. We were whisked away and brought into an actual public school and told we should teach them something. I brought out my digital camera and David and I just winged it for that whole class. David and I (especially me) really wanted to know what the kids would do to improve the country. I really wanted to hear someone say "rise up against government corruption", but I am not sure that idea would be tolerated in a public school. If you watch the videos, one child said exactly that. Eventually, it became a lecture about teaching kids about HIV/AIDS-it was amazing. I took the time to upload all these videos in hopes that someone will watch them-and as an added incentive, within one of the videos is a code-first one to email me the code will win a prize from
Kenya!









It's thanksgiving today, I hope everyone is with the people you care about today. I know I appreciate what I have so much more now.

Revisionist History-26+2 (the birthday post)

It's time again for some more revisionist history-this time for my birthday entry (a.k.a. 26+2)

DID YOU KNOW?!?

That many of the titles for my posts are song titles or references to songs that are relevant to the themes of the post? I did this there because I want you to explore deeper into this project, and part of the way I do this is through these cryptic messages. If there is something you don't quite understand why I put in there-google it! You will be happier to discover it yourself! This particular entry was a reference to "fourty six & two" from Tool-a complex song about changing one self, its lyrics very much relevant to this post. Look around though, you might find some more surprises I hid for you.



As with all of the videos I post on here, if you double click them-you will be taken to the youtube site where you can then click the "HD" button in the video toolbar to watch these in widescreen HD!

The first video I am putting up is one I debated with myself about putting up. In my entry, I talk about going to the Maseno Club and that Helen and David as my present each said 3 things they really liked about me. Yes, 6 total nice things about me. Here they attempt to do the impossible I didn't say in the entry what these things were, but I did film it as it happened in real time from a 1st person view perspective. This is the video below.



This next video is at my super special birthday dinner as Helen, David, and Emmah sing me happy birthday. Blowing out the candles was probably a bad idea though since we then lost electricity and that was the only thing keeping the room lit. Sing along if you know the words!



I come up with a birthday comedy routine so funny that Steve Martin parodied it 30 years ago-it's THAT good!

The case of the patient with the new leg

While I was in Africa, I encountered numerous medical problems I had never experienced in the states-some of which I will document here in the coming days. The case of the patient with the new leg is a little different though. Let's start with a picture.

This wound is about 3-4 cm across and was draining foul smelling discharge. The patient had been seen at other hospitals for this in other villages and they thought he had a skin abscess and would heal over time with some antibiotics. The abscess wasn't healing though and it had been going on for a few months so they were brought to the Maseno Mission outpatient clinic.
He was seen by Francis, one of our clinic officers and admitted to be started on antibiotics. We x-rayed his leg and found this.


That's his femur on the right-and that's not normal.

Here's a normal right femur for comparison


Notice on the normal femur it is thin and rod-like and has a demarkation between the outer bone (compact bone) and inner bone (spongy bone)? That's all missing on the xray of the patient I saw.

This condition is called chronic osteomyelitis in the United States and it's very very common. We see numerous elderly patients, generally with diabetes or peripheral vascular disease. It is a very hard to treat illness and antibiotics are given over several months and it's not always possible to eradicate it. Many times, amputation is the only way to control it. It's caused by a bacteria (usually staph aureus, but other bacteria can cause it too. Over time, the infection in the bone causes an influx of inflammatory cells that can kill the bone (or necrotize) as they try to kill off the infection. Sometimes even new bone is made as is in the case of the patient above-his body trying to make up for the dead bone made the strange shaped leg you see above.

The real shocker comes when you see what this patient looked like though.

This was not old person with diabetes, or decubitus ulcers, or paralysis.



This was a happy, smiling 4 year old boy!

He probably had trauma to that leg some time before and the infection was never properly handled and continued to worsen-killing off his bone and causing him bone pain. Eventually the infection even formed a sinus tract (the "abscess") to his skin. Amazingly enough, the boy walked with relatively little dysfunction. We ended up treating him with a few days of antibiotics and after his fever went down, sent him home with several months of antibiotic pills. He was one of the happiest patients I had though-where other kids his age were very shy or would cry when a white coat would come by-he would always smile for me. I really hope he gets better and doesn't have to have his leg amputated.

Hard Lessons in Swahili

Actually this was true for this patient-but why it was in a translation book for kids is anyone's guess

Ana mguu mmoja mfupi kuliko mwingine

He has one short leg than the other

Revisionist History-Red Ribbon Revival

Oh man, did I take a bunch of pictures and video on that day I went on my walk with Praxidis. Read the story of the red ribbon revival below then check out these pictures and videos. The videos are in glorious 720p HD as well!






This was the quail farmer I was so interested in





The average household of those we visited-this one contained 5 people


The matatu ride on the way back



And as always-watch out for the white dude with the panga-he's had one Tusker too many!

Hard lessons in swahili

Next time we'll try antibiotics instead of enemas and Sprite

Kiljana aliyekuwa na niumonia aliaga dunia

The boy who had pneumonia died

The Ballad of Tom

Whoever said beauty is only skin deep has never had Toxic Epidermal Necrolysis.

While I was in Kenya, I actually saw 2 patients with a rare illness called Toxic Epidermal Necrolysis or TEN for short. TEN is basically a very severe allergic reaction causing the physical equivalent of a whole body burn. Skin can just come right off in huge thick sheets. TEN even involves the mucus membranes of the individual-their mouth and eyes ulcerated and bleeding-it is truly a terrible disease. Let's say you are fortunate enough to live in an industrialized nation with access to a burn unit-even then you have a 1 in 3 chance of dying from this disease. We of course had nothing even close to an ICU let alone a burn unit. We had just discharged a patient a few days before with TEN who had managed to hold on for several days. The allergic reaction removes a good portion of what protects your body from infection and keeps your fluids and electrolytes inside you. People that die from TEN often develop overwhelming infection or severe electrolyte imbalances and require a good deal of care to give them the best chance of living.

This is Tom.




Seeing someone like Tom come in with such severe disease I knew would be a death sentence-we couldn't even keep the flies from eating his dead flesh, how would we keep him from getting infected. Tom didn't talk to us, and his family did the talking for us-apparently he had been sick and received some antibiotics (penicillin is notorious for causing TEN) and then 2 weeks later had severe burns all over his body practically overnight. While we were taking care of Tom, I learned that the patient that we had sent home with TEN died in her house within a few days and Tom looked much worse. You would pull back his blanket and his skin flakes would create a cloud of dust in the air so that you were terrified to inhale but you kept Tom covered so he would not develop hypothermia.





Every day I would show up in the morning expecting Tom to be dead-but we did wound care as best as we could and gave antibiotics. I remember one day Dr. Hardison coming in and without gloves pulling napkin sized pieces of skin from his leg-showing everyone he was growing new skin underneath. I couldn't believe it when Dr. Hardison said that Tom was well enough to go home-not going home to die like our last patient with TEN. Even with our limited resources and with a disease that kills >50% of patients when they come to a place with low resources like our hospital we still saved him. Look at the after pictures below




It usually wasn't the patients like Tom that ended up dying right away though. Even with a relatively low patient load, I saw a good share of death that month. There were a few that stand out in particular though. I saw one man in the clinic that was there with his brother who had fallen ill in the last few days. He was febrile and apparently had a seizure earlier that day. When I saw him, he had reduced mental status. I also found out that this young man (around 24 or so) was a heavy Changaa drinker (moonshine) and had stopped drinking a few days ago. I admitted him and gave him scheduled valium for what I thought were withdrawal seizures. Within 2 hours of me admitting him, he had a seizure and died. I remember walking in the ward to see if he made it up ok and the sheet was over his head, his brother that was just there with him at his bedside-I tried to think of something to say but was too overwhelmed myself and figured my words would be useless in this situation-so I said nothing. Another patient later was admitted overnight for seizure disorder which Dr. Hardison believed was pseudoseizures because of the truly bizarre way she was behaving ended up also suddenly seizing and dying on us-these were young kids-early 20s at best. I'm used to death being all around me and I accept it as just a part of life we all must face and embrace at the right time-but the people that were dying in front of me had no past medical problems-it was like the helicopter accident in the Twilight Zone movie that killed the actors, life just snuffed like the candlelight and just the smoke remains close to the cold wick until it gathers itself up toward the heavens.

Hard Lessons in Swahili

I will trade you that black pen for a black eye-that's what girls get for trying to learn!

Alivunja kalamu yake ya wino ("ya wino" is actually part of the translation!)

He crushed her fountain pen

Lessons from Space

With the windows down it was like God was whispering the idea in my ear

Engine off, parked on the side of the street, still in my scrubs and white coat I sat in my car with the driver side window down. The sun was rapidly dying below the horizon behind my head-yet I wouldn’t have to be locked inside tonight. I had time to think as I always did, but now I had the capacity to do something I hadn’t before-anything. You only really know how free you are to do something until you are powerless to do anything. I equate my time there to being in a vacuum-away from everything you know and everything that worries you. I guess it’s like being in space or solitary confinement. When you don’t have this aching nag of reality, you have a lot of time to think about what really matters.

When I came back, I felt like an astronaut coming out the space capsule and immediately being hosed down in case he picked up a bad case of Martian herpes from the green skinned women you would see an old issue of “Amazing Stories”. I had no stronger desire than to take a really long, hot, non-bucket shower. I looked at my arms covered in a raised, spotted rash and wonder if I got that alien pox from Africa as the steaming hot water ran over me. I thought back to the last leg of my trip as I came back from Amsterdam-after what happened when I wrote “Falling from the Sky”

The flight to America from Amsterdam was uneventful and I was awake the entire flight over the pond watching “Harry potter and the half blood prince”, “Star Trek”, and “Terminator: Salvation” before touching down in Detroit for a massive layover. Going through customs I thought about the 2 foot machete in my bag as I went though customs.

“Do you have any plants, vegetables, fruits, food from where you are coming from”

I shook my head no, and said I brought some beer and before I could even tell them about my 2 foot knife they said go ahead and I rapidly progressed through customs. I sat in the Detroit airport for 4 hours awaiting my next plane-putting the finishing touches on the “Pastasafarian entry” while CNN looped it’s news stories in the background-one of which being a big health festival in Kakamega, Kenya (about 3 hours to the north) where folks were being tested for HIV, shown how to purify water, and use mosquito nets.

Seeing Bethany at my gate at Memphis was the best thing ever though-she had wanted to surprise me (she bought the ticket right when I left) but she told me about it a little earlier. She could only overnight before she had to go back but it was amazing having her back in my arms, I missed her so much.

Before I knew it, I was back on wards and had my ward team of my own. Even at the MED, which I remember thinking was “dumpy” as I started as an intern last year was looking glamorous by comparison-daily labs could be ordered on patients. it’s so easy to go back to fixing the numbers, but at the same time in the back of your head you think back to the people in Africa who do fine without the aggressive micromanagement of western medicine.

Those first few jet lagged days hit me hard-I didn’t know which side was up. I couldn’t believe how many people in my program read my blog and I am still not entirely sure how it got around to everyone. Desi, the resident who is going to be there this month found the blog helpful though.

So I find myself back in the car, engine off, windows down, sun rapidly dropping below the horizon behind my head when I grab my phone. I texted old friends and called those who I hadn’t been in touch as quickly as I could. Life is too short to lose those who are close to you-that’s what you learn in the vacuum.

Hard lessons in Swahili-The Kenyan Government-cause every 2nd grader should be a responsible voter!

Cause it's easier than counting hanging chads

Chama chake cha kisiasa kilifungwa wiki jana

His political party was banned last week




Cause the tough issues like universal health care take the backseat to being able to make Toll-house cookies

Kila mplga kura alihongwa kwa kilo ya sukari

Each voter was bribed with a kilo of sugar





Because the new constitution will tell us when we need to write new constitutions!

Tulitake katiba mpya kwa sasa

We needed a new constitution by new

Tons of Pics and New content!

I thought it would take a day or 2 to get over the jet lag-not quite. While I planned on doing a big update yesterday evening, I actually fell asleep at my desk at 6:30pm and ended up sleeping until 5am. I am still wiped. I did manage to upload some of the safari pics in the meantime and there will be SEVERAL more entries coming-and I will even load the video of Helen and David saying the 3 things they appreciate the most about me and even teaching the Kenyan kids the stanky leg.
For now, enjoy some safari pics!

Safari Pics and videos and journey home

Falling from the sky

Then there was complete blackness...

In my hand, a bottle of Amarula liquor, and I'm about to purchase it at the Duty Free Shop at the airport. I had just haggled with the register girl because she was offering me a bad exchange rate for my shillings. As I was handing over the money-blackout. The entire airport is covered in a shroud of darkness. The chatter outside the store now absolute dead silence as everyone pulls their belongings to their side and wait for the backup generator to kick on or the power to go back on.

And they wait...

I had enough time to walk out of the store, find my video camera and record the complete blackness. Then the lights kicked on again, but just the emergency lights. All the stores closing hours abruptly came and the doors shut. Then after 10 minutes, the emergency lights blacked out. Apparently the backup .generator ran out of gas. The only light coming from the rapidly falling sun as it was settling on the horizon and again silence. Now-nearly an hour after the lights first went out-only the emergency lights are on. Jomo Kenyatta Airport-despite being the largest and highest traffic airport in Kenya is about 1/3 the size of the airport in Memphis, TN (which is a small airport by US standards). The airport in Kisumu on the other hand was a single runway, had 1 gate, and you had to walk to your plane-the entire airport terminal was smaller than our house in Cumming, GA and this is in a major city (Kisumu being the 3^rd largest city in Kenya).

The emergency lights then went out again...

Now that the sun is down, the only light is from traveller's laptops and the runway lights. It's truly eerie. I have shot video of this darkness, it's strange-most of the people here are white and non-English speaking. In the dark I hear French, Dutch, and a mash-up of dialects but no clear English can be heard. No power means no air conditioning (just like all of Africa), the sweat of the day odor lingers on those around me-the air is stagnant with it. At least the overpriced Tusker at the airport is still cold, it may be my last one for awhile-one of a short list of things I will miss here. Around me I hear whisperings, apparently all of Nairobi is in blackness and they sure as hell don't have emergency generators in many places.

I guess it was only fitting on my last day here that this should happen. Good thing I leaved my shaker flashlight in my checked bag. The emergency lights now being off for a 10 minutes with no sign of coming on. Overhead, a pleasant little chime and a female announces (in swahili then english) that a certain plane have arrived at the gate. Too bad no one can see where their gate is anymore, but since there is only 14 gates (that's lucky 13 more than all the other airports in Kenya) you might have a chance feeling blindly for the chest of the ticket agent at a gate-at least that's what I did.

That wasn't the only surprise to happen at a gate.

As I was sitting outside the security scan at the entrance to the airport, trying to redistribute the weight of my carry on luggage and my checked bag so I wouldn't go over limit, I thought back to the 2 foot machete in my checked bag and looked at a large sign above the metal detector. A circle slash was over a pocketknife, but also over knives, forks, and yes even spoons. Apparently, Al Queda's newest strategy is to pull your eyes out with melon ballers from williams-sonoma before vigorously brushing your teeth to death. There's no way in hell my pangaa is going to make it through. I watch as the bag goes through security and the color xray shows the huge blade. The security screener looks at me and says "you have a pangaa in your bag?"

"Yeah, but that's ok right?"

"Yes, the main problem is you have a container of aerosol (my bug spray), you have to remove that from your carry on please."

Unbelievable. After I leave the security screen I walk away, and actually rearrange the stuff in my check bag-meaning I could have grabbed the pangaa at that moment and put it on my carry on-that's scary. It looks like though at each gate they have an additional security screen like at Schipol in Amsterdam to prevent this from happening.

The last thing I want to do is create an incident that keeps me here, which reminds me of something that happened 4 hours ago.

My cervical spine bounces back and forth like a metronome as we tear ass down the dirt roads leaving from the masai mara. The dirt road is marred with beach ball sized pit holes and sudden dips that rocket my head into the ceiling despite wearing my seat belt. The entire ride feels like you are riding a jackhammer. The safari in the park was also in this vehicle and the roads were just as perilous, but we were driving at most 15 miles an hour so while it was jarring it wasn't this bad. The non-existent shocks become glaringly apparent at about 25 mph. I look at my watch, it's a 6 hour drive back to Nairobi and only about 15% of the way is paved. Our tour guide said we would make it back by 4pm, but that was before I was familiar with the concept of "African time"-meaning when someone gives you a time to meet, you should probably be happy if it happens within 1-3 hours of when it was originally scheduled. More than anything, this is the #1 complaint I get from all the folks I talk to from industrialized nations. Several hours into the jarring ride, we stop for lunch and wait on "African time" for another tour van to show up so we can swap passengers. Tired of waiting, I scope out my environment and spot a bunch of kids playing with loose strands of barbed wire. I go up to the group of kids and ask what they are doing but none of them understand English. I snap a few pictures of them, which draws a crowd of kids. These kids were beggers, which I quickly found out as their english speaking leader asked me for money. Looking at my watch and thinking about that I will be leaving Africa in a matter of hours, one thing was still left unaccomplished-teach the children of Africa the "Stanky Leg". Perhaps because they thought I would give them money, they actually did do the Stanky Leg and I was able to record it, too bad they were wrong about me giving them money. Eventually, another van shows up and we pick up 2 sweedish girls. I thought I was a real trouper being here in Kenya for a month-turns out of all the people I met on Safari I had been here the least amount of time. No one was really on vacation, and apparently Europeans actually pay to volunteer when they go to third world countries. How much do they pay? Upwards of 1-2 thousand US dollars to pour porridge for orphans! Before you think "well, it helps the orphans" think again-the money goes into the agency that arranges the volunteering. These two Swedes were also coming from Safari in the Masai Mara and were spending time volunteering in Ngong in an orphanage. While they were on Safari, they reached the Mara river and at this point the tour groups are actually allowed to leave their van and check out the hippos and crocodiles. However, since hippos kill more Africans per year than any other animal, you are only allowed to get near the river with a KWS (Kenyan Wildlife Service) employee, who just so happens to carry an assault rifle with bayonet. Well, our Swedes were given a private tour by a KWS when in the forest he turns to them and says "I will take one of you, only one of you will return to Sweden". The girls of course thought he was joking so he asks "does my gun make you afraid?" It was then they realize he isn't kidding and they head to the safety of their tour van pronto. I managed to get a video of them telling this whole account. Turns out that our added speed on that bumpy trail got us back into Nairobi by 4:30, much better than my Africa time expectations.

From Nairobi I boarded a bus to the airport. A taxicab ride to the airport would be about 1700-2000 KSH but the bus was only 50 KSH, a real bargain and since I had time, I took the bus here. Turns out the buses, like the matatu van transports, won't budge until EVERY seat is filled, so I sat in the back row of the bus, the window to my right and a mother and her pooping child nuzzled up to me on my left. There was no breathing room to reach into my pocket to get my camera, and I doubt I could have gotten good shots through the dirty window, but what I saw was amazing. Like the rest of Kenya, trash was strewn in the streets, but the bus ride marked the first time I saw a particular animal: the pig. As we were crossing a bridge, several pigs were under the bridge sorting through the garbage piled up near the stream below. Not once this month, was pork ever on a menu nor could it be found in the grocery stores. Turns out that Kenyans are not high on the hog-preferring goat, lamb, beef or chicken and it doesn't seem to be due to religious reasons because only a small amount of Kenyans are of the Islamic faith. (Future edit-I discovered a few hours later on the plane sitting next to a couple that spends 4 months a year running a theological college in Eldoret that pork is available in certain geographic regions of Kenya).

Have you been in deep in an urban city and seen those vans that are covered with ads and graphics for rap stars and their upcoming albums? Kenya's matatus (crowded van taxis) are generally decked out with one of two different designs: pictures of Jesus and bible quotes or pictures of gangster rappers and popular mass murders. Other matatus will have clothing brands painted all over it (Sean John etc) despite clearly they are not being paid for the advertisement. Most of the matatus I saw in Nairobi even had names on stickers on the driver's window adding a lot of personality to each vehicle. Nairobi in general had a lot of personality and about 2 square blocks of actual money (which is where the Hilton is located)-the rest is abject poverty and a heavy population density just like the rest of Kenya. Many of the smaller storefronts are painted in safaricom or Orange ads just like in the smaller towns (turns out the small businesses get their place painted free if they agree to have it painted like an ad-which is why so many of the buildings here are neon pink (Zain telecom), Orange and white (Orange telecom) or Bright green (safaricom).

So now I look at the dark skies in the gate for my plane, a fat englishman in safari gear is talking about the "Scheduled power rationing" and that all of Nairobi should be dark right now. Getting to the airport early turned out to be a punishment considering how incredibly hot it is. There's no moonlight, no starlight here, but thankfully the backup generators are powering the runway. Hopefully the air traffic control will see the planes on the runway (unlike when I came here) and we will leave on time.

Future edit #2-of course we didn't leave on time, but the delay was only about 45 minutes. I'm now sitting at my gate at Schipol in Amsterdam as people file in to go to Detroit. Immediately after leaving the plane I felt a rush of cold air and wonder what cold weather will feel like again. Amsterdam's airport is a lot like Ikea-everything is shapely, clean, and technology is being sold at every store. Unlike Ikea, their prices are through the roof, especially since it's about 1.6 dollars to a Euro. Kenya was the same way when it came to buying tech-the latest tech was either unavailable or ridiculously expensive compared to US prices. Kenyans find workarounds though, particularly when it comes to cell phones. There are no cell phone plans as far as I could tell, it was all pay as you go. The cheapest phones like the one I used could be had for $10 US. Remember those cellphones you used 5 years ago? The ones right after the starcom and right before your Razr? The one you lost, either you thought you left it at the gym or it fell out of your pocket at the movie theater, well it ended up in Kenya. The majority of people are using 5 year old unlocked phones while Nokia phones cater to the mid and high range. I remember coming here on the 5^th of Oct and thinking that Amsterdam has the best sunrises I've ever seen, well Kenya has the best sunsets in both the literal and metaphorical way. See you all soon!

Painful Lessons in Swahilil-Triple Threat

I didn't forget that the last entry didn't have any Swahili and that I've had radio silence the last few days-here's your reward

Thankfully his kidneys had good health insurance so that they could remove the cancerous person growing around them.

Alifanyiwa upasuaju kutolewa figo

"He was operated to be removed his kidney"

Melanoma's a bitch, but so is being thrown in an incinerator during your country's latest genocide

Ngozi yake ya rangi ya hudhurungi iligeuka na kuwa nyeusi

"Her brown skin became black"

If you keep running and take performance enhancing drugs, sometimes you'll grow an extra toe or two.

Alijikwaa kidole cha mguu akikimbia

"He trippled his toe while running"

White people on Safari - Adventures of the PaStafarian

I don’t have internet access right now to check out the website “Stuff White people like” but if I did, I would make sure “Safari” is on the list. While I am at it, I would go ahead and add “Mission work” to that list-you’ll see why.

Getting your flight time changed in Kenya is surprisingly permissive-many of the domestic carriers allow you to change your flight at least one time. I was originally scheduled to leave Kenya Nov 1^st but got a Safari arranged thanks to Bethany’s hard work. She ended up calling Jetlink around 4 times before giving up in frustration because she clearly did not sound like a Daniel. When I called, I swear it was procedure to put a pillowcase over the phone receiver then talk through a Kazoo. There was no clarity to the calls and their English was terrible. After several calls I received the same answer, I needed to pay an additional $11 to change my flight because my “flight class” was sold out (BTW, there’s no first class, everything is economy on these small jets or prop planes). She was unable to accept the payment differential over the phone or online, I would have to go to the airport to get my ticket changed-which was about a 30 min drive away. I was lucky enough to hitch a ride there on an ambulance going to Kisumu where my ticket was changed out in less than 5 minutes with no additional fee. While waiting the 2 hours for the ambulance to come back, I talked with the pilots and the flight crew of Jetlink about world and Kenyan politics and history until my ride showed up.

The next day, I said goodbye to everyone at the hospital and headed to the Kisumu airport to get to Nairobi to pick up my safari group the next day. I stayed at an interesting hostel which had you sleeping in a tent in the garden of the owner’s house. A lot of people really like this place but as I was going to find out in the next few days-sleeping in a tent kind of sucks. It gets REALLY cold in Kenya at night around 1-2 am when the temp drops into the 50s and tents don’t insulate as well as I thought. I woke up to visible breath in my tent and shivering and curled in the fetal position to stay warm. After a basic breakfast, a driver from my tour group showed up to take me to the Safari offices in downtown Nairobi. While in those offices, I met the first of the 4 passengers that would be joining me-Charlotte from the UK. She had been in Africa for 2 months now, going through Tanzania, Rowanda, Uganda, Zanzibar, and Kenya. Most of the white people I would meet on Safari were from the UK. She dressed a little too fashionably for a tent safari-wearing designer sunglasses and fashion. She was the biggest complainer on the trip and would whine about standard African things like the concept of “African time” and that white people are going to get ripped off-wah wah. Several times during the Safari she told the driver to pull over so she could pee behind the van. The driver isn’t supposed to let people out of the van, but she would ask enough he would do it anyway. I think the driver had long ago devised a way to handle this annoyance-he installed a mirror on the back of his van that angled straight down so all the passengers still on the van could watch the girls pee behind the van-after seeing that 500^th zebra, this was actually a pretty good source of entertainment.

During the nearly 6 hour drive to the Masai Mara we get 3 other travelers-Teresa a German tourist, and Simon and Elisa a couple of aid workers working for an NGO. The road to Masai mara is relatively unpaved and filled with tons of dips in the dirt roads but we made it there ok. Along the way, it’s just desert like savannah with the occasional massive herds of cattle being let by a man or boy in the characteristic red masai cloth. Around 4 pm we arrive at our tent camp. The tents were a bit odd-they were tents with 2 twin beds in them, but attached to the back is a bathroom! After throwing down our things we headed off on an evening game drive in the park. We oohed and ahhed and the herds of zebras, giraffes, warthogs, impalas etc. The safari van has a pop-up top so you can stand in the van and take pictures and videos. We did about 12 hours of driving around the park over 3 days-it takes several hours to get from one end of the park to the other it is so massive. I took about 300 pictures and videos which was basically all that you could do (and watch girls pee behind the van). A few things about the safari really stick out in my mind.

-Being 10 feet from lions

-Seeing about 25 hippos in the Mara river and a 95 year old 18 ft crocodile.

-Watching thousands of Wildebeest migrate across the planes (they weren’t doing the legendary crossing of the Mara river while I was there though).

-Seeing a male ostrich doing a mating dance for a female ostrich

-Watching 2 lions eat a huge buffalo

-Watching 2 cheetahs tear apart a gazelle

-Watching huge flocks of vultures tear apart wildebeest corpses

-Seeing wildebeest body parts hanging from a tree after a leopard put it there for an afternoon snack.

Notice a theme in the last few things? After you see the same animals over and over again, the tour groups (which are mostly westerners and from industrialized nations) demand BLOOD! You might be plodding along at a 10-15 miles an hour when you hear something in swahili come over the CB radio and your driver starts tearing ass through the park. “There’s been a kill!”, he would announce and I could see Charlotte salivate-it was really the only thing on safari that excited her. You can usually identify the kills from half a mile away because 8-12 safari vans will be mere feet from the carnage white people with expensive SLR cameras and designer safari gear oohing and ahhing as entrails are ripped out from a poor herbivore. The bleached white skeletons of the animals looking almost as if they had been placed there for added effect by park rangers they were so intact and clean. One thing I didn’t see was any mating-which is odd considering at times I was looking at herd of hundreds or even thousands of buffaloes and wildebeest-I certainly expected at least some of them to be doing it. I mean, if you put thousands of people in a single place, I would expect at least a few of them to be doing it-as I type this CNN is airing right now that 300,000 people were at Atlanta’s pride parade and certainly plenty of people there were doing it (although likely different end objectives)! The evening and afternoon safaris were filled with awesome sights and the weather was relatively cool with some occasional rain. On the final day, we did a morning safari at dawn which was a complete wash-barely any animals were seen.

The food was all included in our package and every night they cooked great dinner and even better breakfasts! The biggest issue was the tents-the first night there I woke up at 2am and started freaking out. The only power to the tent camp is from a generator which they only ran about 2-3 hours a day and not at all after dark. When the sun went down, it was complete blackness outside and inside the tent. There’s no locking or security and while I was at the wildebeest, one group of backpackers told me that they had their tent slashed open and their luggage stolen. In the complete blackness in the strange land of the masai mara I got really anxious especially because people were walking around outside my tent. The other issue was I wouldn’t sleep for more than an hour at a time before I would wake up scratching all over my skin. So many nights in Kenya I would wake up over and over with the sensation of being covered in bugs but this was the real deal. By Sunday morning, my arms were covered in petchial rashes that is either from bug bites while I was asleep-the other option is I have a rickettsial infection like rocky mountain spotted fever and will soon be dead. Somatisizing my symptoms on Sunday, I got nauseous and threw up during the morning safari but I think it was because of my doxycycline-all and all safari was pretty cool but I can’t see doing it longer than 3 days-we were all pretty bored. I had met folks that were doing 30 day safaris all around africa. In 3 days, we saw everything you wanted to see except a rhino, 30 days would really suck and it’s expensive as hell. Maybe one of the most interesting parts of the safari was actually meeting and talking to the people who were on them. If you are a white person that is in Africa for a period of time, more than likely it’s to do mission work or charity work. I should write a book about it called “If it ain’t Hell, it ain’t worth visiting”. Simon, Charlotte, and Elisa were all working for charity organizations and it was hard to have a good conversation with my group because they have all traveled around the world-mainly backpacking through affordable 3^rd world hellholes. You should see their eyes light up talking about having to experience firsthand such extreme poverty (before taking advantage of favorable exchange rates to eat like kings wherever they go). I just couldn’t relate to the stories of rural vietnam (everyone in my group had traveled there but me-wtf!)-totally bizarre. This entry picks up in “Falling from the sky” check it out!

Hard Lessons in Swahili-

How are you supposed to give the middle finger when this happens?

Mtoto aliyezaliwa alikuwa na vidole sita

The born baby had six fingers