African Names and the Farmer Defense Squadron

Have you ever really struggled to pronounce someone’s name? Have you ever had someone completely blow up in your face because you can’t say their name (when in fact their damn parents should be blamed for deciding to name their child “Xanthochromia” instead of “Bob”)? I want you to do an exercise with me as you are reading this. I want you to think about the mental picture of the person that comes into your head when you hear the phrase “African name”. Take a deep breath if you feel guilty, doing this doesn’t constitute racism and the thought police won’t come get you (yet). At worst, Tom Cruise will file a Minority Report.

The first thing that comes to my mind is a woman I used to work with named “Chaquita” who was a large woman who had nails like long talons painted in zebra stripes. Anyway, the point of this exercise is that from my limited experience in Kenya that the concept of an African name is completely wrong. The VAST majority of Africans in Kenya have English first names and African last names-names like James, Francis, Daniel, Michael predominate here - not Mutumbo, Edamame, or Meinike.

On the topic of baby names, I already have the names of my first 2 not yet born children decided. I wanted something unusual that would be fun and easy to pronounce. The names I decided on were:

1. Tophus
2. Lil’ G-Zus

I chose Tophus because there is little in life more satisfying than saying at the top of your lungs:

“Tophus! Tophus! Get your raggedy ass in the house and eat your supper!”

Lil’ G-Zus was an easy choice as well. Besides the obvious religious significance, the kid is guaranteed to be a successful rapper. Think names don’t make a difference in profession? Think again! You think Colt McCoy’s parents wanted him to be a nuclear physicist when they gave him that name? No, he was DESTINED to be either a cowboy or a quarterback - or perhaps even a quarterback for the Cowboys.

The reason I mention this is because one of my patients today may have had the best name I have ever heard on either continent. A name so profoundly amazing, I had to take a puff from an albuterol inhaler, my lungs reacting under the tremendous force and gravity of just the mentioning of the name.

WILBERFORCE

Immediately after hearing this name, what comes to mind is Mr. Ed’s farmer-owner: Wilber, but then you add the “force” and it takes it to another level. No longer a solitary redneck, but part of a high-tech elaborate farmer defense squadron, working together with allies Whole Foods and other conceited rich hybrid-driving white people in the organic food fighting force to bring down the multinationals with genetically modified super crops! Using highly advanced weaponry including RPFs (rocket powered pitchforks) and even hanging over the populace the threat of the dreaded “cherry bombs” containing deadly Beta-carotene radiation! The Wilberforce will clear your breakfast table of low cost breakfast cereals, replacing them with unprocessed, sugarless, and flavorless foods at the prices of caviar. Let the Wilberforce show you convincing evidence based on popular opinion that 1 bowl of Kellogg’s Cornflakes in non-organic milk has an equivalent APP (autism proving potential) score on your child’s brain as eating a bowl of lead paint flakes served in a bath of airplane glue. The WILBERFORCE fights for all that is green, healthy, and organic - a force so powerful that Lil’ G-Zus himself can not stop it.

That’s at least the first thing I think of when I hear Wilberforce. What about you?

This version of learning Swahili is brought to you by WILBERFORCE! The question on your mind right now should be where exactly you would like to be punched because you chose not to be a vegan, it would be a real shame to lose your family because you like bacon wouldn’t it?

Bel ya nyama imepungua

meat price has skived down

Allionywa ania ya kula nyama ya nguruwe

He was warned against eating pork.